CLICK ON AN ALBUM TO LISTEN OR BUY:
smiths project smiths project smiths project smiths project smiths project smiths project

 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Unloveable

Download free here until it reaches the download limit

I grew up in a very religious household where nothing *on earth* is important compared to getting to heaven and you're only noticed at all if you are living the life that everyone around you wants you to lead. I was only really accepted for things my parents (the minister and the church organist) could understand. For everything else, my parents tried, they really did, but they couldn't fathom how music could be more dear to my heart than religion. I was trained to make others happy. I spent my whole life attempting to conform and striving to be accepted as a valid human being. There was always a nagging feeling the real reason I had such a hard time being accepted was because at my core, I was unloveable. This was my song.

Then I was diagnosed with a muscle disease at 14 years of age. It is such an alienating feeling to be trapped in the body of a 80 year old woman while still looking like a normal teenager. It was impossible for me to be loved in the way that I needed. People had no idea what I was going through. I sat in my room, almost completely immobile and listened to music while painting and drawing for a couple years. I played the piano and sang when nobody was home. I hid way down somewhere inside myself and dreamed of having the physical strength to run, of escaping my small town, and mostly of being a singer. This was my song.

Up until this year, I've been terrified of putting myself out there as a singer. I have put up a few songs on the internet over the years but the idea of being unloved, not being accepted, not being understood has been paralyzing. Up until this year, my friends knew I was "a singer" but almost nobody had ever actually heard me sing. My family never heard my true singing voice around the house. I buried my dreams and was permanently miserable.

Doing this project is changing my life. This song no longer defines me. I will always love this song for standing by me but now I'm ready to sing my life!

6 comments:

  1. Fantastic! The Cocteau Twins meets The Smiths and then some. It's one of my favourite Smiths songs and you've truly done something extraordinary with it. And thank you for sharing your story, too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so grateful to you for sharing this story in your post. I love feeling connected to strangers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you, Eileen and Steven. I hope that by sharing my story, others will get out there and sing their lives as well!

    ReplyDelete
  4. so beautiful, it gave me chills.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love this one and I'm so glad you've been freed to express yourself in this way. :) It's inspirational.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Our lives are meant for love. We are given the gifts that are meant to express that the best. Each differently. It is painful to have to bury the gift you were given to express love because it was never meant to be buried. You are an amazing, beautiful woman, and the love you have in you is bounding out through your music. You are lovable. One of the most lovable people I've ever known.

    ReplyDelete